Bible-Bible-Africa

Last year during my senior year at a Bible school I was invited to a luncheon with the board of trustees. I was sitting at a table with a bunch of men with suits and ties and sitting right next to a well known author and the head of the board. My hair was a hot mess and I was wearing my plain old gray cardigan that I wear about every other day. Then another student who was a student leader with me came and sat down with us. This guy is perfect. I mean seriously perfect. He was all prim and proper with his shirt and perfectly matching tie. I wanted to get up and leave knowing that there was no way I was going to compare to Mr. Perfect, but I was stuck.

Then the trustees went around asking us our majors and what we planned on doing after graduation that was only a couple weeks away. Mr. Perfect replied, "Well, my major is Bible and my minor is Bible, and well, after college I'm actually planning on going to Africa to help out some missionaries I know." They replied, "Oh! Wow! That's great!" I replied, "Well, um. . . . I'm a counseling major, and well I'm actually going to be taking a year off after I graduate. You know, just to work and save money." They replied, "Oh. . . . ."


I felt like such a failure in that moment. I mean, how on earth was I supposed to even compare to Bible-Bible-Africa-Man! There was no way! I sat there feeling like I somehow wasted my four years of tution-paid education and that all vision, dream, and ambition was lost. I would never be Bible-Bible-Africa. I was about to enter into Year Off-Working at a Coffee Shop-And I Have No Idea What I'm Doing With My Life Girl. I am a far cry from Bible-Bible-Africa.

Last Sunday at church I went to this new class I've been attended. I met a couple of people and of course the question arises, "So what do you do?" They replied, "I actually work for the American Cancer Association," and "I'm an IT consultant." I replied, "I'm just nannying and working at Starbucks." They replied, "Oh." And there I was again. I felt the exact same way I did sitting next to Bible-Bible-Africa.

Much of this post-college journey from leaving all my friends, leaving what's familiar, and moving to a new location, has been about somehow finding peace with being that girl who always prided herself in her plan, perfection, and performance who is now in a place of unknown with absolutely no idea what's next. I felt like a failure for not going on to grad school right away. I felt like a failure for not diving head first into ministry. I felt like a failure because somehow God was in this box that I created, but I wasn't in the box.

I made ministry into Bible-Bible-Africa and somehow forgot that God is in everything. God is in Starbucks because well, He has to be. And He's working there because I see it. I'm not an IT consultant or working for the American Cancer Association or going to Africa. I'm not like Stacey who just recently got married and gives her life to working with refugees. I am not like Heidi who is a 2nd grade teacher. I am not like Val who will probably start an international youth ministry and be named Alumi of the Year at Founder's Week. I am not like Kendra who is raising support to spend the rest of her life in Spain. I love these women and rejoice with where God is taking them, but I am not them.

I'm Laura. I'm living in Texas and loving my life. I love my job and the people I work with. I absolutely love being by my family. I love spending so much time with my sister and her family. I want to be a counselor and help the broken. I have no idea where I'll be in 6 months let alone a year. I have no plan. But I have freedom in the unknown where I'm not striving and performing like I have before. I have freedom in being where God so clearly placed me. I have joy in seeing how He's working all around me and in me and even through me. After struggling in this journey of change I finally just joy in being where I am.

So all of this to say, I'm perfectly content and confident in declaring that I will never be Bible-Bible-Africa. And that's okay.

The Church

What is the Church? Is it a building? Is it a sanctuary where we come to find comfort? Is is a place shadowed with laws and rules? Is it the old, creaky wooden pews that we force ourselves to sit in every Christmas and Easter. What is the Church?

I feel like I've gone to church my whole life. I've sat through sermons, and gone on countless youth group trips, and worked my fair share of voluntunteer service hours. Yet, everytime I meet someone who tells me they have been hurt or damaged by the Church, I find myself asking what is the Church?

We aren't supposed to be a building, we are supposed to be a body. We aren't supposed to be givers of law, but givers of love. We aren't supposed to be black and white, we are supposed to be hands and feet. We aren't supposed to be political and belittling, we are supposed to be the bride of our Christ. So what got us here? What got us to this place of pain and hurt and hatred?

I have come with one purpose to capture for myself a bride

By my life she is lovely by my death she’s justified

I have always been her husband

Though many lovers she has known

So with water I will wash her and by my word alone

So when you hear the sound of the water you will know you’re not alone

‘Cause I haven’t come for only you, but for my people to pursue

You cannot care for me with no regard for her

If you love me you will love the church

I have long pursued her as a harlot and a whore

But she will feast upon me, she will drink and thirst no more

So when you taste my flesh and my blood you will know you’re not alone

‘Cause I haven’t come for only you, but for my people to pursue
You cannot care for me with no regard for her
If you love me you will love the church

There is none that can replace her though there are many who will try

And though some may be her bridesmaids they can never be my bride

(The Church by Derek Webb)

Journeying Forward. . . .

It's only a few hours before it becomes 2009 and here I am. 2008 was full of a lot of ups and downs. And here I am. Living in Texas, working at Starbucks, and wondering what my life will be like in a few short months. I've never been one to be contemplative about the new year or make my list of resolutions, yet somehow this new year I'm almost holding my breath in anticipation.

I feel like it's going to be a year where I see God move. . . . I guess every year is really. Maybe that's what it means to really follow Christ. To know that every day and every moment with Him is truly a journey of adventure, of trial, of joys, of pains, of hopes, of losses. So what will 2009 hold?

Lord, I want so badly to love you more. I want so badly to own Your love for me. I want to see You in every moment. I want to see the mundane as ministry and not be waiting till "I get there." I want to live in the peace of the moment and not in the race of performance. I want to rest. I want to find freedom from the past, from my family, from perfection, from striving. I want to rejoice on where You take me, whether painful or joyous, whether humble or glorious. Lord, truly my prayer is to see You with less of clouded vision and more in the beauty of who You are. Take this year. Take my dreams. Take my plans. Take my hopes. Take my fears. Take my worries. Take my hesitations. Take my desires. Take my needs. Take me.

I am a sojourner on a search for the depth of God. I pray this next year that I come closer.